"Chubby Baboy!" my friends call me while giggling at the same time pressing their chin as hard as they could to their chest in their desperate attempt to copy my so called "double baba." I laugh and then cry a little.

They swear they were only "joking" and I promised I wasn't even mad. They tried to reassure me of my worth by talking about how beautiful I truly am. And how I look better now compared to the skinnier me. They were truly insensitive, even making fun of how I cried a day after. I couldn't blame them though, they were young and naive. I couldn't even bring myself to get mad at these young girls, they do not know the battle I face everyday. They even went as far as saying "Si ate Trish po nagpapakamatay na sa pagdidiet." when I wasn't even on a diet.

I have to be honest, food became a source of satisfaction and comfort to me in times of loneliness. Now that I don't consider myself lonely anymore, I find it hard to break the habit of eating all the time. Most of my clothes don't fit me anymore, and I have given up on shopping because I only end up frustrated whenever I realize I can't fit to any of the sizes available. I shy away from cameras because I just couldn't get the angle right, I always end up looking like an old fat lady in photos. In this struggle, I have no one to blame but me.

But I'm trying my best to become a better me, and I hope people can be kind.

I hope I never have to go home feeling worthless ever again. I hope I never have to be called with stupid names. I hope I never have to be afraid of seeing friends from the skinny years. I hope that if they do see me they would stop poking my belly, or making fun of my double baba.I hope people will start greeting each other with better statements other than "Tumataba ka ah!" and "ANG TABA MO NA!" I hope people will begin to realize that weight can be a serious struggle for many, and its not something to laugh about.

But if people doesn't become the way I hope they would be, I hope I could be the one that is kind to myself. I hope I would only call myself with names God has given me and I hope I would only focus on my true identity which is in Christ.

I am doing my best to shake the weight off, and have fallen in love with sports. It's a process, and its not easy. And everyday I need to be reminded that my worth is never about my weight or my appearance. There are tough days when I would repeatedly tell myself "What have I done?" and just look hopeless in the mirror. But the Lord is gracious, and would always pull me in to remind me that I am loved.

The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

And dear reader, know that you are loved too.

Anyway, I'm still friends with those girls. In fact, I hold them to my heart closely. It's all about choosing to see the good in people after all.