I sat patiently as I waited for my order to come, I spent my whole day allowance for one meal, it wasn't because I was hungry, I was just lonely.

The people passed me by, and I watched them silently as I sat across an empty chair. It would be lovely to see a friend and have him/her sit across me and save me from the solitude that I did not choose. It would be great too if I had a friend's number to call to ask if they would like to see a movie, and distract me from the sadness that I want to abandon. But then again I remembered, it's always been like this.

It's very difficult for me to talk about my struggle, because the people around me can't understand how a girl who looks like she got it altogether struggle with a profound feeling of loneliness. It's just a feeling they say, I agree. And I hate how it has the power to suck the life out of me, Even now as I write, I find it hard to type the words that needs to be shared, because I am afraid of judgement.

I have spent way too much money on food because of my loneliness. I eat out a lot on my own, and I try to reverse the unwanted side effects by riding my bike or doing high intensity workouts every now and then, but I'm failing. My weight is another story of frustration...my pants don't fit me anymore.

I look in the mirror and can only see areas that needs improvement. I wish I could be more kind to myself,  just like before.

Today I got hit so hard. I skipped school and  asked my Mother if she could pray for me because I think I might be depressed. I googled the symptoms, and I don't know what to think about it. I've been struggling with this for almost a year now, but today was the hardest. I was actually successful at letting others know about it the past few months, but I always assure them that I have gotten over it, but I really did not.

I don't know whether I need medication or not, cause apparently depression isn't viewed as something so critical here in the Philippines. We are all used to hearing people say to get over it, to look at the bright side and to see just how blessed we are compared to others. But words aren't always enough. Its easy to say things when you are not experiencing it first hand. I actually am very afraid, what if I'm depressed?

I remember Jesus, and His love for me. But it seems like such a distant idea. Its not like I'm losing faith... I'm just in a difficult season.

I type this just after eating  Ice cream, I sought comfort from food again. When will I stop?