A couple of days ago i was laughing at myself for always having to check my 4 year course subject list. Everytime i get the opportunity to check it i will bring it out of my bag and just keep staring, as if the subjects will magically disappear from the list with my stare.

I was trying to figure out how i can graduate as soon as possible. I am very eager to finish because i know if this takes too long i might lose interest and eventually quit. And i do not want that to happen, i want to do the right things in life, well education is very important you know. But since i willingly left college i figured that i can survive without it, and i can do what i am called to do even without it. And people around me didn't like the way i process my thoughts, they want me to stay in school, to graduate, to get a good job, own a house and drive a nice car. All these are good, but if this is what success is like, then i do not want to be successful at all. There's got to be something more than that...

I reflect on the scripture God has given me on June 2011,

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord's favor has come. (Isaiah 61:1-2)

That was given to me during my first week in college, and at first i thought "Wow, God has given me work to do in this campus, He has anointed me to serve him! I am called to be just like Jesus in this scripture." I was very pumped because the Lord wants me to serve. But days came and as i sought the Lord, a change in my heart occured. Several weeks after that , i found myself crying and praying. Crying because i want to pursue my dreams, i want to be rich and do what i love, and that is art. But God was changing my heart, He was giving me something beyond what i thought. He is calling me to be like Christ, and bring good news. And i was there battling with God, trying to keep my dream while trying to look for a way to obey him as well.

So i quit school. I quit school, because i wanna go after my passion at the same time serve God.  Well studying is very expensive too, because my sister was in college too way back two years ago. I see this as God's way of leading me to His plan. But Can you get the picture? i was trying to mix two things, two dreams and two visions (This is why if you read all my past blog entries it is very inconsistent, there's this dreamer and there's this servant, both are writing a blog). I quit school, because i was in a state of confusion. Knowing the answer, but refusing to accept it as it is. Many things has happened during those years, i found myself serving on board a missionary ship for a month, and singing worship songs with the kids who before i just see on the streets, now i know their names. And during those times, i can no longer deny the call. I can no longer run away and be like Jonah, because i am called to be like Christ!

But still i had my dreams, i want to be an architect, an artist, a film maker, and become famous in this field. While dreaming these, i know this is not the life i will be living. And after almost two years of battle, i was asked to give up. Well, of course i still tried to bargain with God that warm summer night, "I could be an architect and serve You." but it felt wrong, that's not what He is asking of me. And by the grace of God i was able to give up my wildest dreams in exchange for His wonderful glory. I trade all my dreams in order to gain Christ.

And if i traded all my dreams, why am i in school now?

Because this is part of the plan. I may not be taking up the course i originally wanted, but im studying something i can atleast enjoy too. And this will help me when i eventually venture out and bring the good news full time. :) I am so passionate about this calling. Every night i am reminded of this and i thank the Lord that He gives me the opportunity to serve Him even in little ways

Now what i am trying to do is stay on the right path. I know i have to finish school, i need to finish school... sometimes i just find it hard to concentrate though, while at class i think about God a whole lot. I talk to him every now and then while at school. I just couldn't stop talking to Him. Everyday i pray for grace to do what i have to do and as of now what i need to do is focus on school. For this will make my mom & dad happy. I just can't hide the fact that i want to do this as fast as possible, for i am very excited to serve full time!

Oh well, i just couldn't stop thinking of church, of worship services, of saturdays spent with the kids and i know, i just know these are the things i really love. :)