Photo taken on my last bike ride with Friends

I got on the saddle and rode to wherever I feel like stopping. The 4 pm sun, has not been gentle and the breeze didn't make up for it either. I can feel my sweat trickling down my spine as I pedaled on. Whenever I bike, I always pray that this may not be my last ride. Riding alongside buses and trucks can get intimidating sometimes, but it adds thrill to the experience.

Tonight i wasn't able to come to church, so i spent my time cleaning my room and spending time with God.

As i was worshiping God all alone in my room, i began to cry as i started praying for my uncle who is very sick. And flashbacks rolled on when i remember crying to God as well last year when i was praying for my sick Auntie, who later on went to heaven. And the pain introduced itself once more to me, i cried heavily as i continue to worship God.

I prayed for healing, but i was so afraid at the same time as i remember moments from last year where i poured so much of my heart to God asking Him to heal my Auntie. And somewhere in my heart while i was praying i feared that He won't answer my prayers, i was afraid to lose someone once again. The memory was just painful.

But i knew that God does not delight on my fears or worries. So i put down the guitar and rested in God and in the silence. I started to acknowledge before Him how fearful, worried and sad i am. I started talking to Him as a father, and knew that if i feel compassion for my Uncle, He certainly is more compassionate that i am... So i just cried and cried and let it all out before God, told Him how powerless and weak i feel regarding this situation. But God renewed me little by little as He reminded me of His grace over me and the members of my family. He reminded me that though we may face sickness we still have a reason to rejoice because we have Him in our lives. He said that He sees each one of our hearts and knows our deepest desires, our longings and our prayers even before we say them. Slowly things started feeling lighter and lighter as the burden i feel began to be lifted off of my shoulders.

But i knew the fear was still there. Fear that hindered me from trusting God fully. And so i leaned to God all the more knowing that He still has something to tell me, i then reached my Bible and was led to Matthew 14:27- 36

27 But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here![b]”

28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong[c] wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said.“Why did you doubt me?”

32 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. 33 Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

34 After they had crossed the lake, they landed at Gennesaret.

35 When the people recognized Jesus, the news of his arrival spread quickly throughout the whole area, and soon people were bringing all their sick to be healed. 36 They begged him to let the sick touch at least the fringe of his robe, and all who touched him were healed.

 After reading i cried all the more (what a crybaby i am!) but now my tears are of joy! Joy because God told me not to be afraid and to take courage for He is here!He is here with me and my family through whatever we may face.

I also started asking for forgiveness for praying but not having faith, and doubting what God can do. And also God reminded me of Jesus' healing ministry, and how he was moved with compassion and touched the sick and they were healed! How wonderful and good our God really is!

He took my fears away and replaced them with joy and understanding... I honestly don't know what else to say. He is just so good to me and family. My strength is renewed and my heart is filled with gladness for He is here...

I've been thinking about life lately. Thoughts about what career i'd really go for, dreams, family, wants, needs, God, missions, etc. Although it may seem that i'm paranoid and over thinking so much, this actually is good, and through this i am able to check myself. Like "Hey trisha, what are you gonna do? Hey are you still on the right path? Hey are you doing what your supposed to do?"

It's 2013, and this coming June, if i didn't quit school i'd be in third year college some more exams, lectures and months then i'd graduate, get a diploma, make my parents proud, and get a job. I don't know , although this kind of pattern in life seems secured and firm i find this kind boring and common. Maybe that's why i decided to have fun first, delay school and get to college after i've had enough of adventures. But truth is, one of the top reasons why i left college is that i want to pursue something more than what was presented to me. Judge me for being unsatisfied, it's alright with me.

So yes, i wanted my dreams to take place and unfold right before my very eyes while i'm still young. I want to be able to draw people, draw houses, design, sketch,travel and paint. I've decided back then after quitting school that i'd try to make that work. I'd try to live by using my art, maybe i could do this.

Another reason why i stopped going to school is because i felt this unusual tug in my heart. God spoke to me, gave me scriptures, confirmed it by using people in my life. I knew then that i'd not only live with art, but live in constant pursuit of loving God & loving people. I knew then that i'd be willing to lay my life down for the sake of Christ and the Gospel reaching the ends of the world.

I couldn't go back to studying immediately because the course i wanted meant a lot of money for us. So i had to stay and wait till we saved enough money and for my parents to trust me enough to let me go and study at University. At first, i was only supposed to stop for 1 semester, but then it went for 2 and now it's 3.

And i couldn't blame my parents for that, they want me to go to school as soon as possible. But the dreamer inside me refused, why? because they're asking me to try a different course, to take on a different path and see what happens. And to me, that just wouldn't do, so i said i'd wait again.

During those times when i had nothing to do, i got to know my family better. I was able to serve them as much as i could, though i fail sometimes. I was able to really look into my life and see who i really am, what i want in life, what my expectations are and what are the things worth dying for. God spoke to me those times, i was able to really get deep into my faith. I had spent time studying the bible, trying to find Him and asking Him what He has in store for my life. He answered of course, but i cannot really know all the details all at the same time.

There had also been times when i grew cold, and almost got into a point where i decided to give up and just let life turn the way it wants. I stopped praying, due to the shame & guilt i let myself sink into. And as i continue to try what's life like without God, i grew more weak, more miserable and more needy for God. And through God's wonderful amazing Grace, here i am. I can't even count how many times He had rescued me from all the harm i'm doing to my heart.

Tonight, all these came to me. I wasn't the same old person a year ago. I'm glad that my view in life has changed , i'm glad that i'm actually growing. There are things i want to happen this year, one is to get back to school, second have new friends, and third walk in the will of God.

I want to go back to school now, although months before i thought i'd lost interest, but now school looks so inviting. I might even settle for the course i don't really like just to be able to be a student once again. And the thought that i might actually settle, scares me. Why? Because i've waited 1 and a half year to go to my dream school and study my dream course, and now i'm talking about settling? I thought i'd never give up the fight.

But , hey i've waited this long, is it really going to be worth it if I surrender? What if i had it all wrong from the start? What if God didn't really want me to go pursue art?

I've tried this hard, i might give passion another try this time.

Have you ever experienced being cold in your relationship with Christ? When you know you have to pray but don't feel like praying, when you have to obey but don't have the desire to do it? When you know you have to attend church, but just can't find the will to go. hmmm. Sounds familiar, is it?

Well i am pretty sure most Christians have gone through this, and it's okay. Because as humans our love isn't perfect, only God has the perfect love. As long as we're here on earth , we will face temptations, we will sin, we will feel cold, and we will always be imperfect in our pursuit of Christ. However it is totally not okay to settle down in the cold. Having experienced this, i have learned alot from it, and thankfully by God's grace He has repeatedly restored and redeemed me. We Christians are called to be like Christ, and we cannot bear Christ Like fruits if we are spiritually cold or even lukewarm, because we can only bear fruit if we remain in Him.

So what i am saying?

For the past couple of days, i have struggled in spending time in prayer and reading God's word. I have summed up some excuses only to be rebuked by God himself and realized that there really is no legit excuse not to spend time in prayer. The result of not spending time with God has been awfully exhausting and miserable, here are some examples:

1. I found it real hard to obey my parents. It felt like a huge burden getting up early in the morning and doing some house chores. My sleeping pattern has been so messy, and i have been so unproductive i've gained weight. Not unlike when i really spend time with the Lord, house chores seems so easy and even becomes a source of joy.
2. I have lost inspiration & creativity. I wasn't able to write a single blogpost, or even update my facebook status for the whole duration of me not spending time with the Father. I cannot even paint, or draw, and my art materials looks so messy , even my drawers are messy. I didn't even run or bike. I lost all the desire to do something.
3. I lost my voice. I literally lost my voice and can't even sing a song of praise.
4. I have acted rude, and offended people. 

Last sunday our pastor shared about persecution and how godliness invites persecution, and on why must a Christian's life be marked with persecution. And as i listened, i know the Lord has answered me, and left no room for anymore confusion.He is calling me to live as Jesus lived, meaning persecution will always come after me. Most of the scriptures our pastor used where the very same scriptures the Lord has given me for the past weeks. And that night at praise & worship, i was crying & speaking to God, i was committing myself to rejoice and praise His name in the midst of suffering , pain or even death. God has lead me into a place of selflessness and surrender, knowing that my life isn't really mine but God's.

And as i continue to live here on this earth, i'll keep offering Him my days, and i'll gladly go to the ends of the earth to proclaim the Good News. It amazes me how God still wants us to work for His kingdom although we are not qualified, although we are full of sin and are not perfect. It is a privilege to live and to die for Christ.

The pieces fit each other perfectly, and i know God is calling me out to do His will. To give up my own desires and replace it with His desires, to sacrifice my comfort in order to reach out to the uncomfortable, and to go and proclaim His goodness & love. It is by His wonderful grace that i'll be able to obey him and follow His will.

Trials will come, temptations will rise, but His promise of never leaving and forsaking me proves true. I will work for my Master, and will continue to surrender myself to Him. He will mold me, shape me, discipline me and teach me. And in the midst of persecution i'll rejoice for i know it is His name that will be glorified.

Pray with me, as i continue to take steps...

Last night i celebrated my 18th birthday. My family, church friends and some high school friends "surprised" me. Although i pretty much knew about the party, because my dad accidentally sent me a text message with all the details (hahaha), i have to say i  still was overwhelmed. I can't remember ever celebrating my birthday with that much people around me. Past birthdays were either, boring, sad, or just plain simple. But yes, i thank God for all those years, He has  blessed me!

I am really not comfortable with people giving me attention and making efforts to make me happy, so last night it took a couple of minutes before i got used with it. The celebration was simple, yet it was full of joy & love. The Lord has given me such amazing friends & family, i couldn't think of any better way to celebrate my birthday!

This particular year in my life i will start making more grown up steps and become more and more mature as i handle a new wave of responsibilities not only in my family, but also in church and in the community i live in. But above all else, i desire to be child like when it comes to my eagerness and devotion to knowing more of my Creator and serving Him with a heart that is pure. The Lord has showered me with so much mercy and grace through the years, He has disciplined me, taught me, and fed me in all the different aspects of my life. And i pray that i'll continue to surrender myself to my Lord so that He can continue to mold me to become a woman He made me to be. I thank God for all those 18 years that He has freely given me things that i do not deserve, i am grateful for all the years that He used me although i am not worthy.

Without God i wouldn't be able to achieve anything at all, i wouldn't be able to even reach this legal age. He has been with me in my darkest hours, in my worst times, yet He never left me and abandoned me to the darkness. He has redeemed me, and He drew me closer and closer each and every time i stray and come running back to His arms. I am not perfect, yet He loved me and saw potential in me. He lead me to forgiveness and repentance, to grace and love. I could not imagine life without God, is it even possible? How miserable it would be.

I couldn't even put to words how much i thank the Lord for He is true to his word and He is really good at all times! I long to surrender Him all the coming days of my life up until the day that He'll take me home and i'll finally be with Him to eternity! Hooray to this 18th year of my existence!

The Lord is good, He is everlasting!!!
All Glory & Praise be given to Jesus Christ!!

My desire is to work for Jesus. To do the things He did when He walked here on earth. I long to comfort the outcasts and befriend the unlovable. I hunger and thirst for His word, and for it to reach the ends of the earth.   I look forward to suffering for the sake of the Good news and for Jesus Christ, for it is a privilege, although i am unworthy.

My God has burdened me with so much compassion that i cannot bear to close my eyes and not see the need of the least of these. I cannot just pass them by and not offer them a food to eat, or water to drink. Many times i have done that, and i knew i had not lived the way God would want me to live.

I cannot with hold my help, for whatever i think i own is really not mine. All of these things i have are from the father, freely given to me in order for me to give it back to Him. I cannot stand the thought that i have clothes i can choose from , while others have none at all, while others make themselves comfortable with shirts that have holes in them.

I cannot enjoy my freedom knowing that i can do something for someone to achieve their freedom in Jesus Christ. I am restless because i know that while i praise & worship at our Church, others look for the darkest and most hidden place they could use just to gather and read the Word of the Lord most high.

I believe i am being called to step out of all the comforts that i have known. I believe i am called to serve Jesus Christ with all the hours i've got, till the day i die and meet Him face to face. Knowing that this path would be difficult, i entrust all my hopes, my days, and my heart unto the ever loving God who is in control over all corners of my  life.

Most people think that success comes with a good education. That a man who wants to succeed, must finish college, and just finishing college isn't enough, you have to make sure  the school you're attending is well known, you have to make sure that the course you're taking is in demand. Because if you don't meet this requirements, you're just another normal human being slave to work, giving sweat & blood to a job that doesn't pay you any good. But the truth is, one who eagerly runs after money/material/position is the real slave, pouring out heart,soul & time to one thing that is not really of great importance once we leave this earth.

Success, as most of people think it is, is measured by how you dressed, how your home looks like, how much money you have in the bank,how much luxury you can afford, and how much news worthy things you've done in life. And no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that success aren't these things we still find it hard to believe.

And as for me, i guess you can call me an out of school youth, because that's who i really am right now. But i wouldn't change a thing, because to me success is now close at hand. Because to me success is being able to do what you love, and being able to give to others. Although i still plan to attend school, i would have to say that i don't regret a thing the moment i decided to quit studying a business course, because it isn't the one for me. And when i left school i learned a lot of things i wouldn't learn if i were studying. But please don't get me wrong, it is right to study, it is right to finish college, nothing is wrong with these things. It's just that not everyone is meant to  study that certain course, or even not everyone is destined to go to school. I guess you can already get what i'm saying. And to me, im not meant to be at school at a particular season of my life, and that season is now.

The now season is an adventure i never thought i'd have, though i wasn't able to go places, i was able to do so many things , discovered new loves, and created new friends. I volunteered for the missionary ship Logos Hope, i got the chance to print some shirts for money, i learned how to skate with a long board, i've spent many afternoons at the beach by my self, i got involved in a new ministry and i started growing, both emotionally and spiritually. I can finally say that i am no longer a kid anymore, i have matured and it wouldn't have happened if i were in school surrounded by young boys & girls rushing to fall in love, drooling over One direction or Daniel padilla, craving for the latest fashion trends, and trying to be cool. Trust me, in due season i will deal with them when i go back to school. And again please do not get me wrong not every girl is crazy about 1direction or Daniel Padilla, not every boy is sporting a Justin bieber look, still there are some who does better than that.

Anyway, Success is now close at hand, for i am being continuously changed & shaped by my God. It is a thousand steps a way but while i'm walking i'm earning it, i'm learning it. I am thankful for i no longer depend on material things, i no longer view money or position as security. I am now secured and assured that i am placed in the palms of my God. The one who called me, and placed passions & talents inside of me. And in that perfect day , after all the sacrifices i've made, i'd realized it's nothing at all compared to the reward, the reward who is Jesus Christ.

You might think that im just another religious/Jesus freak, you can call me names if you want to, but that wouldn't change a thing.To me my success, my victory, my passion is in Christ Jesus.

And who knows, maybe i can be a youtube sensation and earn lots of money i wouldn't need to go to college? Who knows i might invent something more awesome than the latest smartphone? Or maybe i might just go find a part time job to support myself, and the things that i love, or maybe i can just do what i love to do, sing for Jesus, move for Jesus, and love people, then i'd be a successful out of school youth!