I woke up with a rock on top of my chest. Or at least, that's what it felt like.

Looking back, 2018 has been the most difficult year for me so far. Plenty of fear, and not much peace, plenty of sorrow, and not much joy, plenty of heartbreaks and not much taste of success. In the last quarter of 2018, I was desperate to excuse myself from the pity party I was about to invite myself in.

And so, I tried.

On the day of my 24th birthday, I got hired for a job in Manila, a place I loved to hate. The job wasn't my dream job, but it definitely was a stepping stone towards '''greater things''. I didn't have any plans of leaving my hometown, but one night in great frustration, and of wanting to belong to some place else, I sent my CV to different companies. The simple act was exhilarating, I personalized each cover letter, and hit the ''send'' button. I went to sleep thinking nothing would come out of it.

A week after, I found myself in a bus headed to Cubao. That same day I went home with the ''good'' news.

My family and I celebrated, but deep down I knew I was just running away.

Several days went by, I was given time to prepare for my relocation. I bought new clothes, new stuff, and started mentally preparing myself. Friends and family told me that this was ''good'' for me. That this experience will expand my horizons and that's what I thought too. But there was an inner struggle, somewhere in my heart I knew I was setting myself up for disaster.

But, who knows maybe I'm only thinking this way because I'm not brave enough? Maybe, I couldn't really step out of my comfort zone?

As the days drew near, the rock on top my chest kept getting heavier and heavier. And finally, on the day I was supposed to leave I broke down.

I didn't get on a bus, I didn't move to Manila.

In the days and weeks that followed, I was constantly reminded of my ''failure'' . I felt like the greatest loser in the world, a woman who was full of fear, a woman who didn't dare to cross the ocean. What happened? I used to be so brave.

Didn't I want this? Wasn't I looking for a place I could belong to? Didn't I say that I no longer find joy in this small town? Didn't I say I want to do something my family could be proud of?

I failed. I lost my chance, I will never live a good life. I will never be at peace.

I succumbed to the shame of my failure.

The enemy, took great advantage of the situation, and spoke lies after lies. I almost lost my identity, I almost forgot who I am, I almost lost my sense of purpose. But God, my Father, picked me up and reminded me that He had something in store.

Then, one Friday night last December, I stood in the midst of God's presence together with the youth of our church, the group of people I love the most. I watched them lift their hands in worship, I listened to them sing songs of praise. It was such a beautiful sight to behold! I would give up anything for more opportunities to join them in prayer and in worship!

And then I thought ''there's no place I'd rather be''.

And all along, I was right where I wanted to be.

Last week, my friend and I got to watch a movie. There was this scene where the guy told the woman
'Hindi mo magawa, kasi duwag ka!"
and the woman replied ''Yung duwag sayo, matapang na para sa akin!''

It was then that I understood, it wasn't because I wasn't brave, it was just that I had a different path I must take.

So where have I been?

I'd like to say that I've been to places, and that I've finally walked on water, that I have an impressive job and that I finally took the great leap of faith. But I really have not, at least in the way people expect it.

Instead, let me say that I've been in God's presence and in it I found my peace.

To whoever is reading this, I hope you are at peace right where you are. And if not, I pray that you encounter God's presence, and experience the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding.

Love,
Treesh