Another year is coming at me and I sit silently here trying to strip my heart off of  its pretentiousness. If I want honesty from people, I'm gonna have to demand it first from myself. And looking at it now I see how it has been home to hate, judgement, selfishness and lust.

I remember the times when I chose to be stubborn instead of obeying authority right away. The times when I busily criticized the speck of wood on somebody's eye not realizing I have an entire trunk of tree on mine. The times when I withheld my hand from giving and chose to keep the blessings to myself. The times when I exalted myself instead of exalting God. The times when I sought the pleasures the world has to offer instead of soaking in the satisfying love of God. I could go on and on about how sinful my heart has become, and its sad.

Pondering on it now makes me ever more grateful to the love of God. His love forgives but corrects. But we don't accept correction easily, we like to defend ourselves until we can be proven right. But just as Psalm 12:1 says "To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction." How stupid it is to hate the correction coming from God! Well, I've been stupid this year. I have tried to resist the correction coming from the God who is full of wisdom, how foolish right?

But we've all been there, we like to challenge authority all the time. We love breaking the rules even though these were set for our own good. As for me I have broken so many rules in our house. I have repeatedly challenged the authority of my parents over me since I was a child. And I have proven throughout the years, that my parents are right if not all the time, most of the time. But our God is not like Mom and Dad, our God is right all the time! Again how stupid it really is to hate the correction of God!

This year, my faith also wavered. There had been times when I wasn't trusting God the way he wants to be trusted. I did not fully believe His promises to me, and have wavered in the time of waiting. But looking back now I am in awe of how He has answered prayers, and how He remained true to His every word. How did I even manage to doubt the Creator of the Universe?

This year I was pretty selfish too. I have acted like I have reached a position of entitlement where in I expected others to give to me instead of me giving to them. I became conscious of the time I spent on loving others, instead of letting love become a 24/7 thing. I have required people to love me the way I love them, I expected people to give to me the way I give to them. My idea of "Love" was wrong. I seemed to have forgotten what love was truly about and now as I refer to 1 Corinthians 13 4:7 , I am truly sad at how I have lost the meaning of love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Well I haven't been the most loving person this year... Read on, join me on this self evaluation.

Have I truly lived out this passage or did it become just one of those common scriptures I like to check on every now and then? Is this kind of Love evident in my lifestyle or did it become just a random saying printed on a shirt? Have i given extra patience when it was needed or did I burst out in anger? Have I made extra effort to be kind? Have I forgiven truly or do I have a mental list of everyone's wrong doing? Do I rejoice in truth or do I delight when someone is spreading false witness? Have I loved when it was most difficult to love, or did I settle on hating because it was easy?

These are hard questions to answer, but I need to answer them one by one so that I can fully reflect and see the state of my heart. Ask yourself these questions too.

Hmm... looks like i really got it wrong! This 2016 I better be getting it right by God's grace.

Now that my heart is exposed , I'd like to make a conscious effort in allowing God to work through me and transform me. I'd like to pause in times that I am tempted to respond in anger, I'd like to give in times when it seems most difficult. I'd like to love without demanding anything in return. And I'd like for Him to increase and me to decrease.

I have fallen short and will keep on falling short of the Glory of God. But I hear Jesus always pointing me to Himself, reminding me that I am covered by grace. Reminding me that there is forgiveness for my sins when I confess and ask for forgiveness. Reminding me that grace has been made available even when it is undeserved. Reminding me that I can only love truly if only I will accept the love He gives.

Although I tried my best to expose my heart in this self evaluation, I will never see it the way God does. But how comforting it is to know that even though He sees it all, He loves us still.

"Indescribable! Un-containable! You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same. You are amazing God!"