I was hoping that my comeback blog post would be somewhat fun, but life is hard and there are seasons that are not really so much fun.

My days are long, filled with school works, house chores, other responsibilities, but i am glad that i still can squeeze in one bike ride a week, or a sleep over at a friend's house. But with so much served on my plate i failed to really focus on what God really has for me and wants me to do. I failed God so many times these past months, and i feel so unworthy of His goodness & grace, but whatever i do He, with his ever so patient Love & Justice, draws me back, corrects me and hopes in me again.

However, i was so wrapped up in my struggles that i forgot that i am not the only one struggling. There are people who are going through much worst, people who are experiencing pain, and the pain they feel is real, one that you will remember.

Today we were out to celebrate the 1st year Death anniversary of my Auntie who died because of Cancer. I imagined it would be a fun day, since my Auntie left us with so much jokes to reminisce. But today turned out to be far from what i expected. My uncle who is fighting Cancer, was brought to the hospital. And as if with a sarcastic smile on it's face Death was trying to creep into the door. And so it made all the pain fresh in our hearts & mind. But we fought to still bond as a family, knowing it would be more difficult if we all succumb to sadness. After all, we still have our uncle, and who knows when God will make a miracle out of this.

I was planning to pray all night and spend time with God. But just as i was about to i found out that i couldn't utter a word physically or mentally. I lost all the words, it seemed that i prayed all kinds of prayer, and sung all kinds of song in desperation, and tonight all of it left me... But i knew i had to say something, so i thought writing would be best. Now i'm here, the only one awake in this house...

Sorry for being so full of myself Lord, it's very hard to be selfless, but you were. Now i'm thinking of all the times i did not pray because i was filled with shame & guilt because of my short comings, if only i had listened to You, i could have saved myself from drama and could have used my energy to pray for more people, for my Uncle. Forgive me.

It's very tempting to question why this is happening to our family. But every time i am about to ask that question, i guard my heart and remind myself that who am i to question Your Authority over our lives. You are our Creator, and our Master, how can i doubt you. 

Last week , i dreamed that Uncle Ato was celebrating with us during Christmas, and i was very surprised to see Him doing well. And i hold onto that dream, hoping that it is true... One thing i ask is that you encourage him & his family right now. I know nothing is impossible, and i am still waiting for Your miracle. May you let this be a different Story from my Auntie Lele. In the end Your will may be done... Thank You for Your unfailing love & goodness.

Waiting,
Trisha