It's been really difficult trying to seek God for the past weeks. I have been lost in my weakness and shame, i was filled with pride when i thought i was displaying humility. I have been so miserable and empty, wicked and good for nothing. It amazes me how God still redeems me up to this day, how He restores me and views  me as someone worthy for such a call, to Worship Him and Carry his Gospel.

I thought i had overcome the common Christian dilemma , you know that point where you've sinned and you just grow into your shame and you tell yourself "imma get back to God once i'm done fixing myself" . I thought i had beat that, i thought i knew what to do when that happens, i thought i was strong enough to overcome. It's so easy to be distracted and think that you are depending on God when you're just actually using your own strength. And that pretty much was the case here. I thought i still operating with God's strength and by the Holy Spirit, when in fact i have totally not surrendered anything i do to God and started moving on my own.

How miserable it is to live without God, without hearing His voice, without spending time with Him. One thing i learned during those times was, it became easier for me to disobey , to not love people, to not be patient, and to do the wrong things. Because it is only through Him that we can really love.

Those days i saw people in need, people that are lost, children that are crying, children that are hungry, but my heart didn't even ache a little, it was as cold as stone. For my eyes have been blinded and my heart was lost, there was no compassion for i have neglected my Lord.

Those days i witnessed magnificent sunsets, i have seen beautiful skies. But i didn't burst out to praise the Creator. For i cannot see the beauty, i cannot even utter praises. I cannot find beauty in any angle, there was no appreciation for i have turned my eyes away from my Lord.

But now i am glad, for the Lord has taught me through those times. For He has used my weakness and turned it to His strength. Now i am careful to not lose sight of Him. Its dangerous to go and depend on my own strength, because i actually lack any strength aside from the one that comes from the Lord. I am seeking , and He promised that i will find Him.

I am looking forward to spending more time getting to know my God , Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I want to see more of His strength be made known in my weakness.