This year im kinda all set to get back to school. My parents would not let me have another year off, the time to get serious is NOW. Although i am not enrolled yet, i'm about to this week, and i've got all sorts of mixed feelings about this.

• First of all, i am stoked to study since i've missed it somehow i am eager to excel in my academics. 
• Second, i am nervous, for almost two years i lived a life of a free teenage girl who can sleep all day, watch movies all night, workout day by day or just be a total bum. I'm quite nervous knowing that i have a lot of adjustment to do.
• Third, i'm gonna be having classmates who are younger than i am, and i don't like feeling old, and most of the time Older students get to always be leaders of the group, and although i can make a good leader, i just wanna shake off any responsibilities as much as possible.
• Fourth, i'm afraid i'm gonna have to leave my ministry at project life, since i wouldn't have all the time in the world, though i'll try my best to still keep on serving those kids! 
• And Lastly, i'm just so afraid of going back.

I've been thinking about life lately. Thoughts about what career i'd really go for, dreams, family, wants, needs, God, missions, etc. Although it may seem that i'm paranoid and over thinking so much, this actually is good, and through this i am able to check myself. Like "Hey trisha, what are you gonna do? Hey are you still on the right path? Hey are you doing what your supposed to do?"

It's 2013, and this coming June, if i didn't quit school i'd be in third year college some more exams, lectures and months then i'd graduate, get a diploma, make my parents proud, and get a job. I don't know , although this kind of pattern in life seems secured and firm i find this kind boring and common. Maybe that's why i decided to have fun first, delay school and get to college after i've had enough of adventures. But truth is, one of the top reasons why i left college is that i want to pursue something more than what was presented to me. Judge me for being unsatisfied, it's alright with me.

So yes, i wanted my dreams to take place and unfold right before my very eyes while i'm still young. I want to be able to draw people, draw houses, design, sketch,travel and paint. I've decided back then after quitting school that i'd try to make that work. I'd try to live by using my art, maybe i could do this.

Another reason why i stopped going to school is because i felt this unusual tug in my heart. God spoke to me, gave me scriptures, confirmed it by using people in my life. I knew then that i'd not only live with art, but live in constant pursuit of loving God & loving people. I knew then that i'd be willing to lay my life down for the sake of Christ and the Gospel reaching the ends of the world.

I couldn't go back to studying immediately because the course i wanted meant a lot of money for us. So i had to stay and wait till we saved enough money and for my parents to trust me enough to let me go and study at University. At first, i was only supposed to stop for 1 semester, but then it went for 2 and now it's 3.

And i couldn't blame my parents for that, they want me to go to school as soon as possible. But the dreamer inside me refused, why? because they're asking me to try a different course, to take on a different path and see what happens. And to me, that just wouldn't do, so i said i'd wait again.

During those times when i had nothing to do, i got to know my family better. I was able to serve them as much as i could, though i fail sometimes. I was able to really look into my life and see who i really am, what i want in life, what my expectations are and what are the things worth dying for. God spoke to me those times, i was able to really get deep into my faith. I had spent time studying the bible, trying to find Him and asking Him what He has in store for my life. He answered of course, but i cannot really know all the details all at the same time.

There had also been times when i grew cold, and almost got into a point where i decided to give up and just let life turn the way it wants. I stopped praying, due to the shame & guilt i let myself sink into. And as i continue to try what's life like without God, i grew more weak, more miserable and more needy for God. And through God's wonderful amazing Grace, here i am. I can't even count how many times He had rescued me from all the harm i'm doing to my heart.

Tonight, all these came to me. I wasn't the same old person a year ago. I'm glad that my view in life has changed , i'm glad that i'm actually growing. There are things i want to happen this year, one is to get back to school, second have new friends, and third walk in the will of God.

I want to go back to school now, although months before i thought i'd lost interest, but now school looks so inviting. I might even settle for the course i don't really like just to be able to be a student once again. And the thought that i might actually settle, scares me. Why? Because i've waited 1 and a half year to go to my dream school and study my dream course, and now i'm talking about settling? I thought i'd never give up the fight.

But , hey i've waited this long, is it really going to be worth it if I surrender? What if i had it all wrong from the start? What if God didn't really want me to go pursue art?

I've tried this hard, i might give passion another try this time.

The art, the joy, and the adventure that comes along with film making has never ceased to fascinate me and entice me. Whenever i would watch a movie that is independently produced , my heart would jump a little and man i could just wish that i could make a film and be surrounded with friends whose left more lucrative options and jobs just for the sake of doing what they love to do.I don't really know all there is to film making, but i know when i get the chance to study and have the equipment i'd probably have the time of life.

This was a dream that many people thought i could not pursue, and i realized that maybe i was the only one who is hindering myself from pursuing this, from pursuing big things and going after the risks. I figured maybe if i just let my dreams break free from the cage i have made, i might not be where i am right now. I'd probably be somewhere far away, i'd probably be crying and wishing i could spend Christmas with my family, i'd probably have a little studio type apartment and eat hot dogs and egg all day long because it's the only thing i can afford.

Living uncomfortably sounds a little rough, but it gets better right? And when it does get better i can finally be fearless, and dream bigger, make more films, draw more houses, run farther, bike longer, love more people, sing louder and just completely give all i have been blessed with back to my King.

I do not want to dream without putting action to it anymore. And who cares if my dreams are larger than me, My God is larger than anything else in this world. And i do pray that He would be with me as i pursue the desires He has placed in my heart, and that above all these my spiritual desires would be on top of any thing.

I need to loosen up. I need to let the colors go paint my sky. I need to not be afraid and accept that I can do all things through Christ. And if i seek His kingdom first all these shall be added unto me. God is not against our dreams, He is the One who actually placed that in our hearts, but He wants us to seek Him first above all else. So if i want to pursue my big dreams, i need to pursue my God that is bigger than any other thing.

May my passion be for God and May God breathe life to the things He has placed in my heart.