So many things going through my mind, and i hate it. Because i am not able to seize one thought, for everything is passing so fast, everything wants to go and my head wants to explode.

I've had one of the most terrible ,darkest and ungodly thoughts for the past weeks. These thoughts revolved around death, suicide, and even unbelief. I became fearful for the uncertainty of my future and it dawned on me how scary it is to not really be in control. At the same time having all the power over my life is the scariest thing i suppose. Insecurities made their way back to me again , oh how they mock me and paint me with defeat. I remember being the bathroom and instead of bathing i would instead look at the wall and freeze. Because being in the bathroom and being immovable for a moment is the only form of peace i had.

I hate the feeling of being in that situation, you tend to feel so alone and the promises of God seem so impossible for you. You become bitter to people who are joyful and jumping up and down with passion for Jesus, just because you can't do the same, and just because they seem unreal to you. You never really know how miserable a state this is until you place your feet on those grounds, which i hope you wont do.

But by God's grace i was able to rise, and rekindle the flame. I knew that in my darkest and most undesirable form i am being loved and being prayed for. My God loves me and wants me to stop being stubborn. He wants me to rise and defeat the evil around me and within me. In my struggles he wants me to fully depend on who He really is.

And when i sin, there's no point in condemning myself for it will result to nothing but wasted time. I need to run to God and confess, i will continue to confess as long as i am here in this world. I shall confess and let Him refine me, and purify me with His spirit and Word. I shall win the battle in the mind and in my heart, i shall win the battle in the flesh.

Everyday i have access to grace and mercy and i have hope for the future. Yes it maybe uncertain to me, but God knows what he is up to, so check back on June my friends and see if this young little lady finally finds herself in school.

Peace & grace y'all