Tonight i wasn't able to come to church, so i spent my time cleaning my room and spending time with God.

As i was worshiping God all alone in my room, i began to cry as i started praying for my uncle who is very sick. And flashbacks rolled on when i remember crying to God as well last year when i was praying for my sick Auntie, who later on went to heaven. And the pain introduced itself once more to me, i cried heavily as i continue to worship God.

I prayed for healing, but i was so afraid at the same time as i remember moments from last year where i poured so much of my heart to God asking Him to heal my Auntie. And somewhere in my heart while i was praying i feared that He won't answer my prayers, i was afraid to lose someone once again. The memory was just painful.

But i knew that God does not delight on my fears or worries. So i put down the guitar and rested in God and in the silence. I started to acknowledge before Him how fearful, worried and sad i am. I started talking to Him as a father, and knew that if i feel compassion for my Uncle, He certainly is more compassionate that i am... So i just cried and cried and let it all out before God, told Him how powerless and weak i feel regarding this situation. But God renewed me little by little as He reminded me of His grace over me and the members of my family. He reminded me that though we may face sickness we still have a reason to rejoice because we have Him in our lives. He said that He sees each one of our hearts and knows our deepest desires, our longings and our prayers even before we say them. Slowly things started feeling lighter and lighter as the burden i feel began to be lifted off of my shoulders.

But i knew the fear was still there. Fear that hindered me from trusting God fully. And so i leaned to God all the more knowing that He still has something to tell me, i then reached my Bible and was led to Matthew 14:27- 36

27 But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here![b]”

28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong[c] wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said.“Why did you doubt me?”

32 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. 33 Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

34 After they had crossed the lake, they landed at Gennesaret.

35 When the people recognized Jesus, the news of his arrival spread quickly throughout the whole area, and soon people were bringing all their sick to be healed. 36 They begged him to let the sick touch at least the fringe of his robe, and all who touched him were healed.

 After reading i cried all the more (what a crybaby i am!) but now my tears are of joy! Joy because God told me not to be afraid and to take courage for He is here!He is here with me and my family through whatever we may face.

I also started asking for forgiveness for praying but not having faith, and doubting what God can do. And also God reminded me of Jesus' healing ministry, and how he was moved with compassion and touched the sick and they were healed! How wonderful and good our God really is!

He took my fears away and replaced them with joy and understanding... I honestly don't know what else to say. He is just so good to me and family. My strength is renewed and my heart is filled with gladness for He is here...

My confidence went out of the window...

I've dealt with this before and after so much insecurity and all that stuff i came out as beautiful as God intended for me to be. But these past few days, i lost my grip on the truth that sets me free.

In short, i was feeling ugly & fat and though i really never gave so much thought on how i look physically, i just started wondering if i really am God's special Masterpiece. And doubting the value God gave me was a sin, and because of that i spiraled down to a state of timidity. I started listening to the lies all over again, that there is this standard of beauty girls should meet in order for them to have friends and admirers, that there is this certain shape you need to have in order for you to stand out. All these lies started coming into my head, and though it didn't steal any amount of joy i have for the past few days, it did bother me when i'm about to sleep at night.

So i even became more determined to stick with my diet and exercise as much as i could, i wanted to look nice & feel pretty all the time but it did not happen. Trying to meet that standard of beauty will wear any lady down. It took my strength and the smile that i claimed to be good enough to make me beautiful. Add the fact that i am now in school, where girls who have this smooth straight hair, slim body type, and nice fair complexion seem to have everything. It was just so wrong...

I knew the answer to this, why do i have to dig up a hole once again? Let's see what God has to say about this matter...

Proverbs 31:30 

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

This verse never really spoke to me until now. Why did i ever try to pursue physical beauty when all i needed was to fear & love my Lord? It makes me sad how much time i spent exercising physically opposed to the time i spent with God. If i really put more priority to the matters of my heart ,then why am i being so hard to myself when it comes to outward appearance?

It's not wrong to work out, look good or put make up on. In fact I love working out! But somehow along the way my intentions started to stray away from truth. I was doing all these stuff to get compliments, to receive attention and to hear affirmations. I was not doing it for healthy reasons anymore or even for myself, i was pushing myself so hard just so people would accept me.

So if you're like me who's in a diet or loves working out, remember that you don't do this just so people would like you or your crush can like you back (just sayin) , do it because you enjoy it! exercise because it's healthy for you! It's really healthy for us to exercise , specially in this generation where we eat junk and fast food all the time. So if you really would like to exercise you do it, it's fun.

Second, take time to evaluate your lifestyle. Are you spending more time googling weight loss tips rather than meditating on God's word? Are you putting in more effort in losing that excess fat rather than losing those baggage of sin and burden? Lastly are you spending so much money on make up than on things that would really be helpful for you? Remember it is better to prioritize things that deal with your innermost being than your physical appearance. That lesson i learned by experience.

1 Peter 3:3-4 

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

God says let us not put so much importance in the external! I know girls, we love fashion and make up, but if it's eating all the strength we have instead of giving it to God then it's not good for you anymore. Stop spending an hour trying to look good in front of that mirror!

Lastly, do not ever doubt your value and don't ever place your worth on how you look. Read & meditate on the verse above, see what is precious in God's sight? If you really are aiming to please Him more than anyone else then adorn yourself with a gentle & quiet spirit! Im pretty sure that being beautiful inside makes you beautiful outside too.

So throw away all those insecurities, forget the timidity, and be confident!

Learning all these makes me feel fresh! I am indeed God's wonderful creation! Though i still stick with my diet & work out, its for the right reasons now. Not doing it to receive acceptance anymore, doing it because it's enjoyable! And most of all let us all place our time & energy seeking our God rather than seeking the perishable things of this earth.

Be blessed & stay beautiful inside!

It's been really difficult trying to seek God for the past weeks. I have been lost in my weakness and shame, i was filled with pride when i thought i was displaying humility. I have been so miserable and empty, wicked and good for nothing. It amazes me how God still redeems me up to this day, how He restores me and views  me as someone worthy for such a call, to Worship Him and Carry his Gospel.

I thought i had overcome the common Christian dilemma , you know that point where you've sinned and you just grow into your shame and you tell yourself "imma get back to God once i'm done fixing myself" . I thought i had beat that, i thought i knew what to do when that happens, i thought i was strong enough to overcome. It's so easy to be distracted and think that you are depending on God when you're just actually using your own strength. And that pretty much was the case here. I thought i still operating with God's strength and by the Holy Spirit, when in fact i have totally not surrendered anything i do to God and started moving on my own.

How miserable it is to live without God, without hearing His voice, without spending time with Him. One thing i learned during those times was, it became easier for me to disobey , to not love people, to not be patient, and to do the wrong things. Because it is only through Him that we can really love.

Those days i saw people in need, people that are lost, children that are crying, children that are hungry, but my heart didn't even ache a little, it was as cold as stone. For my eyes have been blinded and my heart was lost, there was no compassion for i have neglected my Lord.

Those days i witnessed magnificent sunsets, i have seen beautiful skies. But i didn't burst out to praise the Creator. For i cannot see the beauty, i cannot even utter praises. I cannot find beauty in any angle, there was no appreciation for i have turned my eyes away from my Lord.

But now i am glad, for the Lord has taught me through those times. For He has used my weakness and turned it to His strength. Now i am careful to not lose sight of Him. Its dangerous to go and depend on my own strength, because i actually lack any strength aside from the one that comes from the Lord. I am seeking , and He promised that i will find Him.

I am looking forward to spending more time getting to know my God , Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I want to see more of His strength be made known in my weakness.